The places you go, the lessons you learn

No huge blog about the crazy adventures I have had over the past 6 weeks this time. But some wise life lessons I have learned instead, which I would like to share because they opened my eyes.

Some people that know me well, know that the past year has been a tough one. There was a constant struggle to become my happy smiling self again but I never seemed to succeed. Despite some great things that happened, I felt like I was constantly fighting to keep my head above the water in a rough sea. My buoy (Africa) drifting further and further away from me. Finally, after months of stress and one very hectic breakdown, my internship in South Africa popped up. Although again I was fighting to actually make it happen and, again, many tears shed, it was finally arranged. Not only would I embark on the most epic journey with Emma from Lusaka to Cape Town, I would go to Africa and do my internship.
And so, on the 15th of September, I stepped on a plane again, back to SA (I had been in Holland for 5 weeks to arrange my study permit).

As explaining the whole situation is quite the challenge, I want to give some insight into my thoughts, lessons and experiences by typing out what I’ve written in my journal over the weeks (which is not much but enough to explain).
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04-10-2015, Madi a Thavha mountainlodge, Louis Trichardt

How many travel-journals I’ve got nowadays. How many therapeutic, soothing words I’ve written down. With this pen. The pen is the same. The journals seem to become uglier. But it’s about the words. As I’m getting ready for night 20, I realise I don’t have many words to write down on this paper. I don't experience a new adventure every day. Nor am I enjoying myself every minute of the day or do I always feel I’m contributing. But again, I’m learning. About the world, about management, planning and other practicalities. About ME.

I feel myself becoming my major source of advice again. And again I see that this is what it’s all about. Me, my life as it is, as it will be, as I’m changing it. Life is here. Life is now.
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But (un)fortunately, sometimes things just don’t work out the way you want them to. On the 10th of October, I decided to stop my internship assignment. There were plenty of reasons for my decision. The main one being that, despite the beautiful place and amazing help, it didn’t make me happy. I was struggling every day to make the assignment useful to everyone and fit the requirements of my course. Only on that day did I realise that my own interests and motivation were pushed away until they were no longer there. There wasn’t the adventure I had hoped for and despite learning a lot about practical things, I still couldn’t learn what I really wanted. The old feeling I had had for 1.5 years now started to play up again. A sad, almost depressed, feeling that I still can’t explain very well. It takes my smile off my face for days in a row and makes me wonder: what the hell am I doing?

Now, going to Africa was supposed to be the remedy, which it was for a while, on this epic journey from Lusaka to Cape Town with Emma. However, later, the old feeling returned despite my location (South Africa). I felt confused and lost. This is what I wanted, I was abroad… in Africa even! I had an assignment. Why couldn’t I be happy? Why was my urge to fight through it now gone?

In retrospect the answer is easy: It wasn’t what I wanted to do, I wasn’t motivated and that’s a difficult situation. It made me realise that this just simply wasn’t the way forward, which in its turn made me decide to take a step back.

Finding an internship had been a huge challenge. For months and months I had been applying but nothing seemed to work. Eventually I found this one and it again posed challenge upon challenge. Several times I thought to myself: this is simply not meant to happen, I’m not going. But it was my only option and so, again and again, I put my shoulders under it and pushed on. That I could not finish the internship, only seemed like the icing on the cake. So the only thing I would write in my journal for a month was the following:
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10-10-2015, Louis Trichardt
Here’s the thing. There’s always the chance that you’ll pull it off. There’s also the risk that you don’t.
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Obviously, this was me trying to make sense of what I’d just decided. But it didn’t make sense. It was just an instinct that I decided to follow. But as soon as the words ‘I won’t continue this internship’ had been spoken, I felt an incredible and beautiful peace coming over me. That’s it, I didn’t have to fight and push anymore. I didn’t have to keep my mask on, for once I allowed myself to admit that this wasn’t going well. For once I allowed myself to GIVE UP.

I wanted to get away from where I was and I wanted to leave SA but not go back to Holland immediately. And so another incredible thing happened: I made a decision, went with it and never looked back. It was a huge leap of faith that turned out to be the best thing I could have done in that situation. But, the first few weeks I wasn’t proud of leaving SA. I felt like I had failed, I felt stupid and even dumb at times.
A month later, at Johannesburg airport, I wrote about all of that and about the things that happened after my decision.
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10-11-2015, Johannesburg airport, SA

But taking the risk will always be well worth it. The things you learn, the people you meet, now that you took the dive into opportunity.

It’s been a fucked up year and I look back at it with finally (after 1.5 years) a big and genuine smile on my face (of course with the exceptions of being with loved ones and travelling through Zam, Bots, Nam and SA).
I would like to write down what has happened, why this makes me happy and especially: what I’ve learned. Of course I can give it a go, although I’m not sure whether I will be able to put everything in words.

After a year in Holland during which I tried so hard to find a nice internship in Zambia to do what I’m passionate about, I ended up in SA as an alternative. From the very first moment it was a challenge. First the assignment, then the visa which forced me to return to the Netherlands, then my supervisor in SA that decided to quit his job and then the constant struggle with different expectations and ideas than my own. The down-feelings returning and the lack of adventure and possibilities to learn about ecology and nature which eventually broke me. Because, again, I did not want to give up, felt horrible for the people trying to support me and those sorts of things. But to put all your own interests and ambitions aside to avoid other people’s disappointment or a delay in your study planning, in retrospect, doesn’t seem very strong either. Because, what is it you eventually learn in an internship like that? Don’t ask me.

So after a month of fighting and only a brief moment of contemplation, I decided that it was about time to stop what I was doing, and start finding an adventure that would help me to smile again. And so, for the first time, I made a decision and did not look back. After that, I made another decision. The one to go to Zambia to catch up on some adventures and to learn a lot about my passion after all.

And so I booked a ticket to Zambia, without even knowing what I was going to do there. I wasn’t sure that I could do anything apart from waiting for the days to pass in Lusaka and so it was a leap of faith. I had 3.5 weeks to get out of Lusaka and make myself useful somewhere, learn something and get out to the bush. Once in the country, I started sending some emails and the one great person referred me to the next great person.

It was at this point in time that I realised what the past year had done for my motivation. I no longer believed that I could or wanted to work in conservation in Zambia because it seemed some sort of exclusive club that I could never become a member of because I wasn’t smart enough and because I didn’t have enough knowledge or knew enough random facts about conservation all over the world (I have a strange mind, I’m ready to admit that).

But the worst part is: I really started to believe that and therefore cared less and less about it all. I was ready to give up. To admit my defeat, go home and find a different internship somewhere else next year. I felt like a stupid failure. Because I hadn’t fought harder, because I couldn’t even complete a 5-month internship. I started questioning everything. I was getting myself used to the idea of doing something else.

And then tides turned.

I came to Zambia full of hope to make myself useful for a few weeks and to visit some friends, as an alternative for watching the time away in SA. I found people that understand me, with whom I can sit and chat for hours, that know a lot and want to pass on their knowledge to students like me (student in conservation and student in life). People that find me smart, strong, passionate and not as annoying as I thought they would find me (the things one can make up in their own mind), just as I think the same of them. And I realise that these are the people that I should surround myself with, instead of the judgemental, mean and stupid people that make me so insecure.

Anyway, what happened is: after a short time in Lusaka, which I used to catch up with friends, I ended up in Kafue NP, working for Gamerangers International (GRI). Although life there is basic-bush level, I felt at home within 1 day. After 2 days my feeling and motivation returned: This is what I want to do.

12 days flew past and before I knew it, on my last night, my boss (and new friend) and I were discussing which project I would come to do at GRI as an internship. I couldn’t be happier, finally, with a detour and a year later I can come back to do what I love.

(Little break to board the plane to London, the next bit is the continued story with refreshed words in my mind).

At GRI I gave GIS training to some of the staff members, which will help them to present overviews of patrol data. The funny and ironic thing is that the thing I taught them, was something I basically taught myself when I was still working on my internship in SA. GIS was always one of my hated topics because I wasn’t actually good at it. But the beauty of it is: by trial and error and without it being a goal, I became really good at it. So good that 6 weeks later I could pass on my knowledge to other people. I spent my time doing this training, writing a hand-out and generally helping out, listening and learning wherever I could.

Apart from training and writing, we have been to Busanga plains where we camped for a night and saw a herd of 100+ elephants, absolutely stunning! I wish I had photos to prove it. We did game drives, boat cruises and went to Chunga training school to see the scout-training. These are just some of the activities! Every day, by the end of a long but good day, there were sundowners and great chats at Mukambi lodge.

I’ve met great people who have helped me to get up, brush off the dust and smile.

So here’s the thing about failing. Essentially you can’t. Every moment things do not go the way you want, it opens doors of opportunity. It forces you to find detours and alternative routes to your final destination. Those alternatives may not be the prettiest, fastest or most convenient ones, but at least your knowledge about the many ways that lead to dreams, goals and Rome increases. And so, bit by bit, you learn to get off the main road and find the detours that are worth taking. Suddenly you find yourself looking at the most beautiful street art, screaming from the highest mountain, chatting to a new friend, sharing your food with the friendliest stray dog or strolling over a market with the coolest things.

Suddenly you can stop, have a rest and be grateful of what you have discovered and achieved, all by yourself.
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What I learned from all this? Sometimes it seems that nothing is going according to plan. It seems like the whole world is against you and pushes you back when all you think you want is going forward. That moment when you finally decide to stop pushing and give up only seems like the icing on the cake. How could you think that after all that went wrong, when you whole fundament is smashed away from underneath your feet, you can still stand up and bring it to a good end? Why the surprise when you eventually fail? But here’s the thing. Rather than seeing it as failing at what you do and giving up on your dreams, see it as a great opportunity. An opportunity to take a step back and look at yourself. Consider your strengths, your weaknesses and the incredible power you have to make your dreams and goals happen. An opportunity to step out of the original plan, find another route and see what doors are open for a sneak peek on that one. An opportunity to reinforce your passion and get back on your horse of motivation to start cantering towards your dreams again.

That’s it with the metaphors for now ;) On the 11th of November I returned to Holland. Right now I am trying my best to get my studies back on track and start writing my thesis. After that I can return to Zambia and start a new internship that I do feel confident about. This will be the last thing to do before I can graduate as a Bachelor of Wildlifemanagement. I am working very hard to do all this as soon as possible. Because even though it is a lot easier this time to accept the fact that I’m in Holland, Zambia is still pulling me back with quite some force. I’m very excited about it all :)

So all you lovely people, see ya later!

Love from Sandra in the Motherland